Andrew, the Speedy Speed Boy

Today, Jessica, the sweet, sweet girl that blogs Jessbait, had a pic-a-nic at her house, and so she dragged me from my bed and to her house. We spent the day just hanging around, and photoshopping. Oh did we photoshop. Double chins, buck teeth and facial hair was added to otherwise unblemished faces. Gravity's effects on the female body were lessened to a good degree. A lot of pictures were taken and edited, much to the pleasure of the sometimes (always) nihilistic Jessie.

Andrew came in, 20 hours late, as usual, and then it became a party. Raquel and I watched with glee as they got into the jacuzzi and Jessica proceeded to predate sexually on poor Andrew. Fun stuff. They managed to soak us completely in the process, and we took pictures of Jessica's boobs in her swimsuit. It seems hard for her (Raquel and Andrew as well), to grasp the nuances of night-photographing. They made damn sure to ruin every picture by moving the second they saw the red-eye laser, as if the camera had finished taking a picture, even though I told them many times that night-shots take longer. But hey, nobody ever listens to the black guy.

Anyways, time came to leave, and I hitched a ride with Andrew. Now, you gotta understand, Jessica's urbanization is pretty much an enclosed megalopolis. The time it takes you to get from the next town to her urbanization is the same time it takes you to travel from the gate of the urbanization to her house. It's absurd. Now, knowing this, as we left, Andrew somehow believed that the first left turn he saw was the exit to the urbanization. Not so. Now, this wouldn't be a problem, everybody can make that mistake.

The problem was we were doing 60 when he realized in his head that maybe he should make that left turn. And like something out of Initial D, Andrew turned full left, skidding the car over the moss and gravel that covered the road.

Now, Puerto Rican roads are built with the drainage exposed, not under the road or covered with grates, which means that at intersections the road will dip some 20 feet down and up abruptly.

We still had excellent forward momentum as the car nose-dived into the drainage ditch (canyon), slamming the fairings and left wheel with hearty, crunchy sounds, like how your cereal should sound if you're not a PuDS. Then he realized that the exit is still 8 hours away, and so we had to turn back over the same drainage ditch, just to make sure that the car is messed up evenly on both sides underneath.

I went ahead and recreated the planview of Jessica's suburb from city records. The red line represents Andrew and me's journey.

This is a simple diagram of the incident. I'm certain we left a good chunk of tire on the road, as well as a good chunk of Andrew's soul.

The Brio didn't deserve that, Andrew.


Yamil said...

Here he comes
Her comes Andrew Racer
He's a demon on wheels
He's a demon and he's gonna be chasin' after someone.

He's gainin' on you so you better look alive.
He's busy revvin' up a powerful Brio 5.

And when the odds are against him
And there's dangerous work to do
You bet your life Speed Racer
Will see it through.

Go Andrew Racer
Go Andrew Racer
Go Andrew Racer, Go!

He's off and flyin' as he guns the car around the track
He's jammin' down the pedal like he's never comin' back
Adventure's waitin' just ahead.

Go Andrew Racer
Go Andrew Racer
Go Andrew Racer, Go!

Yamil said...

Ahh... on the the second line her is misspelled and should be Here

Gravekeeper said...

And suddenly, I got the urge to photoshop the Brio into the Brio Five, or the Fujiwara Tofu Store Brio

Jessbait said...

Dude.. I did not .. hear this.. did NOT molest Andrew. He asked me to violate him.. hahaha :D

Jessbait said...

On second thought.. maybe I did.

Iguana Lola said...