Windows needs your permission to suck balls

How ya been, people? I disappeared for a couple of days, but such is the nature of a lurker. I warned Lola about me not being very social or committed at all to internet things, so this small hiatus should come as no surprise.

Anyways, as I write this, I'm setting up a computer my dad bought. It was pretty cheap, one, because it's an eMachine, two, it's a Pentium 4, already pretty ancient news in this world of multi-cored computers. Now, since Microsoft is dead-set on jamming, fisting, permeating, nay, donkey-punching Windows Vista into our collective rectum, this comparatively old, low-end, clearance-sale computer has it, even though it very probably shouldn't. It's the Vista Home Basic edition, which, aside from not including the much-hyped translucent version of the Aero theme, probably has as many features as, say, Windows 3.1.

So I set up the computer and start it up, an immediately notice that the image looks like crap on shit, because the refresh rate is higher than it should be. Good start. The EULA greets me, and tells me that everything I do will be notified to Microsoft via intrawebs, but that it won't contain information that identifies me (You know, other than the fact the information is being transmitted from my computer).

I'm glad they have a sense of humor when it comes to invasion of privacy. It's like a guy walking into the women's showers at the gym and going "Don't worry, I'm not here to look at your faces."

So, this spawn of ME and XP finally starts up. Well, it tries to. I wait for a while. I go drink a Coke. I organize some of my anime. Ah, there we go, it started. First things first- I gotta lower the refresh rate, because the image looks like a failed abortion. Right-click on the desktop and click on Preferences, renamed 'Personalize'. Hmm. Nothing... happens. The computer clicks rapidly, as if it were doing something incredibly strenuous. I wait a little more. I'm geting worried. This processor supposedly clocks as fast as mine, there's no reason for it to click for its life like this. I quickly open the Task Manager. Actually, I quickly move the mouse and issue the command- the Task Manager is not quick at ALL to appear.

Finally the poor thing opens up. 70 Running processes. No, wait. 72. What. The. Fuck.

This is why people build their own machines. The sheer amounts of pure shit that comes pre-packaged on startup on these store-bought bitches is staggering. There's 18 processes for McAfee alone! What the hell?! NAPSTER. Why does this thing COME with Napster? Why does it load it at Startup? Ten service hosts... GoogleDesktop, GoogleDesktopCrawler, GoogleDesktopIndex. Good god. Do the asshats that assemble the program packages for these things actually USE them? The load on the memory that all this useless crap causes is an amazing hindrance on performance.

Do you know when is it that I see more than 35 processes, and more than 5 icons on the tray? When I'm fixing computers laden with spyware and adware. Not when the computer is fresh out of the box. Unacceptable.

Let's forget this ugliness for a minute. Let's try out the Aero user interface. Let's see. The top menus are all gone. The status bar is 15 times bigger, the folder explorer is there, sort-of, and the icons are massive. There's a new bar below the navigation buttons, which I'm guessing is the replacement for the actual menus. The names for these seem rather ambiguous, like a Thai hooker. Is she a woman, or a tranny? I can't tell!

Just like the transition from 2000 to XP, Vista seeks to cater to the mouth-breathing, bottom-feeding, cattle-balling, banjo-plucking, PuDS-eating, Great Unwashed. It's been idiotized down to what I guess passes for intuitiveness down at Microsoft. Here's the problem though- Windows has always had a tiny share of the Operating System market. Somewhere around 154% of it. Everybody and their mom, brother, weird touchy uncle, grandma, etc, have used Windows for eons. People who grew up with Windows are gonna wonder where everything is this time around. I mean, everything has a different name and is under a different menu. You can try to make it look like older versions, but there's still a lot of unfamiliar shit that's bound to cause fear, uncertainty and doubt.

Now, there's this series of commercials with a laid-back dude and an awkward office dude, representing Macs and Windows respectively. A recent one shows Windows dude making conversation with Apple dude, and a big Men in Black thug behind the Windows dude. Every time Mac or Windows talk, the thug goes 'Apple just talked to you, allow or deny?', to which Windows dude has to reply 'Allow' to continue conversing. The point is Apple making fun of Vista's new security monitor. Well, it turns out, they were NOT exaggerating. I tried running MsConfig, to turn off the 70 processes, and then Windows got dark and a prompt appeared. "Windows needs your permission to continue."

'No fucking way', I thought.

"Fuck yeah." said Windows, reading my mind.

I then insalled the Vista-enabled versions of CCCP and Firefox, and got asked TWICE for permission. Basically, Windows is trying to protect me from me? Smart. Very smart. Oh, and you might say, "It's like a Firewall! After you get permission for all your stuff, it's all good :D"

Ha. Ha. Ha.


The bitch keeps asking when you try to do the same things. Not cool at all. And, let's not forget that nothing works for it unless its basically pre-approved by Microsoft. Way to royally fuck anybody who wanted to upgrade and then find that NONE of their shit works.

Bah. Vista has worn me out. I was gonna talk about women. And Andrew. Pardon the redundancy. I'll catch ya laters (but not too much later)


B!TAMA said...

Oy Vei,la novedad! Esa falacia lógica que sostiene que la cosas son mejores por ser más modernas =/ En este caso estoy de acuerdo contigo.
Pentium 4:intel inside...voyeur inside!! =P Gracias por agravar mi paranoia, yo que siempre tengo que voltear el web cam away from my face para estar en paz... qué se supone que haga ahora?!?!
Should I get curtains for windows ????

jaja awesome blog

Anonymous said...

...Permission granted...
Windows broke and my balls are bleeding with shards on them... *weep*

Anonymous said...

I would gladly sacrifice security for usability. After all, we live in a post-9/11 operating system.

Gravekeeper said...

It is in this post-9/11 operating system that people have utterly forgotten that
secure != impractical

Anonymous said...

Tried Vista beta. Switched to Mac.